you're all i wish i had; i forget i feel so sad (c)

Too much. Everything, always... so much, too much. If the war had been bad and the infighting worse, then this sudden destruction--the death of a third of SkyClan's population--took the rest disintegrating with it. At this point, Bubblebeam's despair couldn't even sink lower than it had. The loss of her friend, of her father, made her feel nothing but numb. Numb to the world and tired to death of its repetitions. She couldn't think about any of it--couldn't even think in the slightest. So she wandered her way to the only place that she could ignore the sadness. Not wade in it with her sister's comfort, or drown in it alone, but... ignore it. Pretend it didn't exist. Highpine. Even she didn't know who or what she was seeking, exactly; she just knew that whatever it was had to be better than the sinking void of misery that was SkyClan camp. She had to get out, and Highpine was the only light remaining in the darkness. Ironically, it was dark outside, the night so late that neither sun nor moon were anywhere to be seen, and the sky might as well have been empty for the sparse illumination granted. The stars didn't glow on this forest anymore... or at least not on this corner of it.

Every bit of her form ached. The old scars on her face and her belly itched as if reopened. Her newest wound, the enormous gashes of the fox bite on her shoulder, just barely scabbed over, burned with a hot agony if she so much as stepped forward. But between them all, she couldn't tell which hurt more: the hollow cavity in her chest, or the static pressure of her mind. She pressed on steadily though, paws following an almost automatic pathway she'd retreaded so often... much more often than she ought to have. Technically she shouldn't have been looking for comfort or distraction outside of her Clan, but that technicality was further than anything from her mind as she kept walking until the scent of the marshes overpowered everything--the agony in her shoulder and head and heart. There she sat, and she waited. What little instinct remained at the base of her spine paused her || march and stilled her feet. She could not go any further forward. She could not do anything other than wait. But if she were to feel powerless, at least she was as far from camp as she could get. As far from home... or what she'd once called home. Home. Even thinking the word caused a physical tremor to run through her, so she shook her head and pressed her eyelids tightly shut until pink-and-blue stars flashed into her vision from the dizziness. Slowly her eyes opened. And she sat. And she waited.

Nighttime passed slowly, with nothing to gauge its passage. If a moon had come out tonight, its glory extensively waned since the Gathering, she couldn't see it from where she sat surrounded by tall treetops, deciduous morphing into conifer as the border continued. But still Bubblebeam waited. And eventually, found her patience rewarded by a gleam of white in the darkness. Ethereal fog. Piercing yellow eyes. The turmoil quieted at his appearance, as if forcibly silenced. The throbbing in her wounded shoulder and injured heart all but ceased. Her pale gray-green gaze found its way through the darkness, fixing easily on the cat before her as if he were a rock and she an anchor seeking harbor. "Hawkmist, is that you?" She didn't know who else it could be, yet the name fell slowly from her lips like a prayer. A friend. A friend she could talk to, whose mere presence she could take solace from. Bubblebeam sighed, exhaling all the stress and relief and gratitude in a long breath that slumped her shoulders. Then she smiled. "Oh, it's so nice to see you." She'd never meant anything more in her life.

Bubblebeam wasn't sure what she'd been expecting; there had been no rational thought that led her pawsteps all the way to the border on a night as dark as this one. Belatedly when she met his eyes, when the sigh of relief had left her and she gazed at Hawkmist, what little of logic remained cast her mind back to their meeting at the Gathering... to the strange way that he and Silverbird had been acting. How they'd both been almost posturing, unable to look at each other, and how strange it had felt to be between her two friends. However, whatever worry that had begun springing to life inside her found itself quelled instantly by his response. Not turning away, not scoffing at her, but walking closer. All the sharp edges of his features relaxing, not into a smile like hers, but welcoming her presence. He didn't hate her. They were still friends. And, stars... it was nice to see him. Far better than being in camp for a single second longer.

His voice carried none of the harsh grating tone it had at the Gathering. Instead, Hawkmist spoke almost softly--and yet, after he spoke her name in a return of her own greeting, the words he said widened her pale green eyes in surprise. His yellow gaze fixed on her shoulder, and his deep voice carried an undercurrent of ferocity... but not towards her. How odd, that her stomach should have turned itself inside out with three words as simple as those. And then, the gentle way he raised his eyes to hers, and asked how she was feeling. Had... anyone asked how she was feeling, recently? No, none of her family members still living had; they were all miserable enough. No need to ask. But the reminder that Hawkmist cared how she felt, cared how she'd been wounded, felt sweet like the relief of a cold breeze under the sun's unbearable heat. And it was warm, beneath her pelt somewhere.

Bubblebeam blinked, looking down at the wound on her shoulder for a moment, before looking back at her friend. She still could not keep herself from smiling. It was good, so good to be with him, and even speaking about her injury did not make it seem quite so awful as it had previously been. "Don't worry. It wasn't another cat this time," she said, doing her best to speak lightly as if she had not been worried for her life. "Just a fox. I got attacked while I was hunting, but my aunt and I managed to kill it before it did too much damage." Even thinking about Graywind would make her throat stick to itself, so she flicked her ear as if to dismiss the thought. "I'm not the best at fighting, so I'm lucky it wasn't too bad. And, besides... I'm used to being all scarred and ugly anyway. Doesn't hurt as much the second time." Her attempt to be flippant did not quite work. Though it was true that the scarring on her shoulder wasn't anywhere near as visible, and probably not as traumatic, some part of her did worry that she'd eventually be so covered in the marks of battles she'd hated that no one would look at her twice. Bubblebeam's smile fell a little bit. Why couldn't she be nonchalant and uncaring? It wasn't a big deal. Warriors got scarred all the time. She'd been lucky to survive, when so many of her family members hadn't. Stop thinking about that. Didn't you come out here so that you wouldn't have to think about it anymore? It was unbearably selfish of her to be concerned about her appearance, of all things, after so much death and destruction.

If she'd been meaning to keep Hawkmist from worrying about her, obviously she wasn't doing a very good job. The blue-furred warrior let out a quiet huff of exasperation at herself, then shook her head. No point in dodging the issue when her friend had cared enough to ask about it. She wasn't a good enough actress to pretend that SkyClan had been anything but miserable over the past moon. "No, I... it does hurt. But I honestly haven't noticed so much, with... everything else going on." How much should she say? She didn't want to list everything. But if she just left it at that, he'd ask. Simultaneously, she didn't want to talk about it... and knew that she had to. Had to talk about it with someone who'd understand. The smile had vanished by now. Bubblebeam's voice grew somber, and the corners of her eyes betrayed the deep grief she'd been battling with for weeks. "Dogs attacked us. My best friend died suddenly. And her brothers. And my auntie who saved me from the fox... and then my father disappeared." That last one fell from her mouth quietest of all. He had been so estranged from her, but she did not welcome his disappearance. It felt like yet another blow. Maybe he'd run away because she had disappointed him so much. But whyever it was, he was gone, leaving Mintglade and all her half-siblings behind. Her soft gray paws kneaded the dirt. "It's just all so much, and I don't... I don't know what to do. How to feel. I was... I was thinking about leaving, but..."

Was that too much? Was she sharing too much? She'd never been sure. How much of her friends' listening was just tolerating her ceaseless prattle, and how much was genuine? She didn't want to take advantage of Hawkmist's kindness. Her fluffy tail swept across the dark grass behind her. Almost automatically, as had become her custom when she'd talked for too long, she stopped herself short, eyes dropping to the ground. "Oh, I didn't mean to ramble about myself. Though I guess that's how we met in the first place, isn't it? So I..." She trailed off again. No. She always pushed her emotions away--for her sisters' sake, for Silverbird's sake. Did she have to do the same with Hawkmist? Couldn't she share whatever she wanted? He'd asked. If he wanted her to shut up then he would just say so. Right? He wouldn't hate her. If he didn't want to talk with her... he could leave at any time. He wasn't obligated by any Clan or blood relations to stay here, across the border. Bubblebeam cut herself off again, teeth snapping shut, and straightened her shoulders. "So... you can say whatever you like, in return. Promise I won't judge. If you can let me talk about my problems, then you're free to talk about anything you want." She snorted a quiet laugh. "I know I've got a lot to say. Sorry, I'm almost done, I promise."

She took a deep breath and raised her gaze to Hawkmist again. He was still there--he hadn't left yet. "I just wanted to say... the advice you gave me earlier, about... picking my own life. I was thinking. I was thinking, and I..." Bubblebeam turned her head over her shoulder, as if glancing around to make sure she was the only one in the forest. She hadn't said this out loud to anyone since Hemlockfox. If she said it to a ShadowClan cat, would a fox suddenly appear from the depths of the trees and consume her whole for treason? The fear was a foolish one, but she couldn't quite shake it. Eventually she exhaled and looked back at her friend. He wouldn't tell any of her Clanmates; he had no reason to. Still, she spoke quietly. "I don't think this is... home anymore. It can't be. Not when I could die to a fox or a dog or another cat at any moment. Not when surviving here just means that everyone I love dies instead of me. So I'm leaving." It felt almost refreshing to say it. The decision she'd reached so long ago. At first she'd been almost loathe to leave all those she loved behind, but with their numbers dropping so steadily... her sisters were all she had left. Thymelight and Rainfrost and Crookedlight she would miss dearly, and her grandmother, but she could not stay. She had to go. Hemlockfox had said he would take her and the rest of their siblings to WindClan... but that had been moons ago now. She hadn't heard of him since. What if he'd abandoned her for his new Clan? What if the leader wouldn't take her in? The fears crept in every time she thought about their hastily-made plans. But she realized now with a resolve she hadn't felt in moons that even if he didn't come for her, she wouldn't remain in SkyClan for much longer. "I don't know when. Soon. But... I can't stay here anymore." After all the serious conversation, it felt nearly like a weight off of her shoulders. Bubblebeam shook out her soft fur and smiled again, allowing her facial muscles to relax. Hawkmist's mere presence had been more therapeutic than anything. "I just wanted to tell someone that, I guess. So... thank you."